Leo

This is Leo.
Leo is a wall decal bought last spring, but didn't make it up onto Kiernan's wall until a two-parent, three-hour session in September. Kiernan has a love of monsters, but on the rare occasion that scary monsters are involved, I tell a story about how monsters are afraid to come into the room because Leo swings down and repeatedly kicks them until they jump out the window. It doesn't matter that Leo is barefoot, he kicks that much monster ass.

Lately, the stalling techniques at bedtime are getting more desperate. Kiernan called me back into his room approximately zero seconds after I closed the door.

"Daddy, I just had a dream."
"I doubt that highly - you haven't even fallen asleep."
"I had a bad dream. Um.... about monsters."
"Ah, well, you know very well that monsters are afraid to come into your room because they don't want to get kicked in the head by Leo."
"Oh. Right."
"Goodnight, Kiernan."
"But Daddy!"
*sigh* "Yes, Kiernan?"
"Um.... Leo's just a sticker."

In his tiny light-up shoes...

Kiernan discovered that turning on the Playstation starts playing the WALL-E DVD within, but doesn't know what to do if the video mode of the TV is not on the right input. This of course means I keep finding the system on, whirring away after who knows how long.

WALL-E went missing last week. We still couldn't find it after tearing the basement apart packing boxes for the big move.

Tonight I thought to myself, "If I was Kiernan, and the WALL-E DVD wasn't playing, even after ejecting it and reloading, powering off and on, and perhaps even covering the disc with fingerprints, what would the next logical step for a three year old be?"

Sure enough, I found the WALL-E DVD slid all the way into the VCR.

Good thing he's not self-conscious.

At a recent birthday party, Kiernan announced "I meedta do to the bathroom!" Upon discovering the powder room was occupied, we decided to wait. Then another kid announced they had to go. We were told by the parents of the birthday boy to feel free to go to the upstairs washroom.

"I'll show you where it is!" declared the birthday boy's older sister.

"That's okay, I know where-" I trailed off as the four year old was already halfway up the stairs.

"Um, thank you!" I said as we walked into the room.

"This is my toothbrush. I need to brush my teeth because I got cavities." She didn't budge from her position by the sink.

"I need to peeeee!" Kiernan insisted, so onto the toilet he went.

"Brushing your teeth is important for sure!" I said as Kiernan seemed to finish up. "All done Kier?" I asked.

"No I need to poo." he began grunting, because obviously vocalization helps the sphincter along.

"Sometimes I have trouble pooing too" the girl announced.

"Uh-huh." I replied.

"I'm all done!" Kiernan stood up while I grabbed some toilet paper.

"Why is his winky -- my mommy calls my brother's penis his winky -- um, why is his winky red?"

I saw no redness. I was confused. Lara pointed out later that being half-Filipino, perhaps the birthday boy's darker skin wasn't as pink, relatively speaking. At the time, I was at a loss for words. Kiernan was oblivious.

"Want to see my room?"

"That is a fantastic idea."

Got to work on the verb/noun differentiation

After getting home and unloaded the babies' car seats into the front hall, I remarked how hot it was in the house and removed my jacket before going back grab stuff from the van. Kiernan was jumping out from the back seat when his yelled announcement echoed through the neighbourhood:

"Daddy took off his dress!"

"Um. No. You get dressed in clothing, not in dresses. Although girls can wear dresses. Some boys do too, but those are kilts. But let's simplify: Daddy took off his clothes. Um, but don't yell that either."

More fun word misinterpretation:

Sometimes Lara has a slight bit of trouble getting up in the morning after dealing babies who decide 3am is the perfect time to be wide awake. All the kids were up and getting a bit bored/cranky/demanding, so I sent Kiernan upstairs to wake mommy up. Kiernan returned soon after saying "Mommy says two more minutes."

Soon enough, Kiernan was sent on a return expedition to let her know ten minutes had passed. He came back down and said "Mommy's not done lying yet."

The question arises: Did she lie about only needing two more minutes, or is she just lying down?

Sleep deprived climbing...

2:50am: The drama queen wakes up, she's screaming, super starving; why isn't mommy feeding her already? I plod in and reswaddle her, Lara follows and sits in the chair to nurse Juliette.

3:20am: Juliette is done, Lara is asleep in the chair. I plod back and put her into bed, help Lara to her feet and out the door, where I pause to shut it behind us. Lara hangs a left into the bathroom. Not unremarkable, except that as she enters, she turns the light off. So I stop in the doorway to see her moving the step stool from in front of the sink- no, wait, she's picking it up, she's carrying it towards me... I decide it's better to stop this sort of thing before she tries to sleep-climb, so I take the step stool away. This angers her greatly, saying "I just want to go to bed!" "Okay, go ahead!" I let her pass.

3:35am: Quinn, from the playpen at the base of our bed, practices his new habit of screeching. Is he happy? Sad? Hungry? Hungry. Lara gets up out of bed and asks "Can you hand him to me?" and as I gather him up I see she's halfway out the bedroom door. "Where are you going?" She pauses, then returns to the glider to feed Quinn.

3:50am: Quinn is done, Lara is asleep in the glider. I pick him up, put him back into bed, and help Lara to her feet. She walks straight out the door and into the bathroom. This time I'm curious - I won't let her actually climb the steps, but I'll see where she wants to bring it. Unfortunately she immediately pulls an about-face, comes back in the door and literally falls into bed.

My name is Eric, and I am a youtube subscribaholic

Since creating a youtube account at the end of October 2006, and subsequently had Big Brother track my every move, I've apparently viewed 10,872 videos.

When I try and find the average video length, I get articles from 2006 stating the average is about 2 minutes, but I think things have boomed a bit since then (and I know I've watched a few multi-part epic length shows) so let's assume the average video length I watch is 3 minutes.

I've watched 22.5 days of youtube.

Serendipitous fact of awesomeness: According to dayssince today marks exactly 1000 days since I joined youtube. (which makes the math to calculate percentages oh so convenient!)

When I first calculated (with a 4 minute average) I got a full month's worth of video watching. Halfway through calling the addictions hotline, I thought of things that could be artificially boosting this number:

1. I am subscribed to 34 youtube channels (only a handful of which update often) and I like to check the main page of youtube to see what's new. I also obsessively like to keep my "What's New" list clean - and often videos I've already watched pop back onto the list. I click the video and then hit the home page to see my freshly cleaned list.

2. Some channels post a long clip as well as edited clips (ie: Jimmy Kimmel's opening monologues also have sketches and highlights from the monologue) so when I watch the full video, I don't need to watch the shorter bits. So of course, click-Home-clean page!

3. The World Series of poker. I didn't really want to watch all the interviews with all the winners of all the events, nor did I really need the daily chip count updates, so I just clicked them away.

5. Kiernan wants to watch videos. And another video. And the pink video. And that one. And...

6. Pomplamoose and Garfunkel and Oates. Because you can't just watch once. Except wait, that's not artificially boosting anything since I'm actually watching. And by that I mean I'm watching them again right now that now I've linked to them.

So this probably reduces things by at least a quarter, right? Only two weeks worth of my life spent in front of youtube? So from now on: A Cluttered What's New page is not a big deal, and I'll check back in 100 days and see if 2.25% of my days are still spent watching videos.

Quick calculation: 2.25% of 24 hours = 32 minutes a day... hold on, does sound about right? Crap...

Melodrama

Lara and the kids were up at my parents' cottage all week, and Friday was her birthday. We were lucky enough to get babysitting so we were to go to see Harry Potter and grab a late dinner.

The time span needed to leave work, drive to the cottage, grab Lara and get to the theater was slim, so Kiernan had only a brief amount of time seeing me as we ate cake (before dinner, I might add). My parents distracted him from our leaving by saying he could watch one of his DVDs with the giant stuffed bear.

"Gasp!" I gasped (gaspingly), "Bears can't watch TV!"

As we got into the car, my mother called up to me. Apparently Kiernan was quite upset, yelling "I'm! Talking! To! Daddy!". I needed to go back to the kitchen to find out what's wrong. I hiked back to the door and asked what he would like to say to me.

"The bear CAN watch TV, Daddy!"

"Oh! Okay then!" This sufficed enough to get back out the door.

With that drama overcome, we drove off. Five minutes later we decided to phone back to the cottage to remind my parents that the twins needed medicine before they went to bed. I was informed that Kiernan had been crying because he had forgotten to tell me something. He was put on the phone:

"Hi daddy."

"Hi, what did you want to say to me?"

"Um. What did I want to say to you?"

"I don't know, what have you been crying about?"

"Um. Oh. DON'T GO DADDY!"

"Oh, was that it?"

"Ya. Bye."

My kids are growing up literarily unsheltered!

Kiernan's nightly routine involves putting on his pyjamas, brushing his teeth, then the reading of two books chosen from his overflowing bookcase (courtesy of the garage-saling prowess of my mother-in-law). The lights then get turned off, then comes another story - when it got dark earlier it was projected onto the wall but this time of year it's "stories from daddies head" - followed by a song, water, hugs, and a kiss. Finally it's "Get out the door now daddy."

The stories from my head fall under two categories. Either Kiernan asks "I want the story about the zebra on the swings." and I get to make up something involving said zebra, or he asks for a classic nursery rhyme.

Some may know I dislike the politically-correct versions of nursery rhymes these days, so when I tell the story of Little Red Riding Hood, the Big Bad Wolf wants to eat Red and not just her basket of goodies, grandma gets eaten and not just hidden in the closet. The woodsman slices the wolf open to extract grandma, then they fill him with rocks and toss him into a lake. Time to go back to the cottage to enjoy the basket of goodies, hurray!

A few weeks ago one of the books pulled off the shelf was a copy of Little Red Riding Hood published in 1995. If it was bowdlerized at all, it was going to get one reading then be given away. Fortunately, it was the best version of Little Red Riding Hood yet, despite being written in the past two decades.

Grandma AND Red Riding Hood get eaten alive. The wolf takes a post-lunch nap when the woodsman happens by to cut them out. There's an illustration of the wolf sliced from neck to groin, and another with happy-go-lucky Red gathering stones in the forest. There's no lake, however - the wolf just wakes up, attempts escape, and becomes so weighed down by the stones he dies just yards from the cottage. The pièce de résistance is the final photo of Grandma and Riding hood happily enjoying cookies:


I have to admit that when stories-from-my-head is the Three Little Pigs I end it at the wolf giving up and going home, simply for brevity's sake (with screaming twins overwhelming mommy downstairs, often stories are speedy). The story is supposed to continue on with the Big Bad Wolf attempting to lure the pig out to pick turnips, apples, and to go to the fair, and finally attempting to climb down the chimney. Some books still include the chimney - the pigs manage to light a fire and he runs off with his tail smoking, never to return again.

To get the best stories you have to search the shelves for the books published in the 50s and 60s. Here for my your enjoyment is the best two page spread of the Three Little Pigs ever.

Couldn't have flown any lower...

Today was a potluck lunch at work.

I brought a big bowl of dinner rolls.

As I exited my office, joining the RAs also heading up, one of them looked at the bowl and said "Hey, Nice buns!"

Who am I to pass up such a chance as this, so I said "Thanks! I get that a lot."

Absolutely no reaction from any of them.

Outnumbered

When big brother Kiernan was a baby, I referred to him half-jokingly as my little chrono-vampire -- his sleeplessness (20 minute naps were a luxury!) and constant demand to be carried or bounced for approximately 27 hours a day sucked time out of our lives.



You would think that the twins, who allow themselves to occasionally be put down and who sleep hours at a time, would give us more spare time, yes?

Hells no. Quinn and Juliette are the ultimate tag-team yearn-for-attention-ers. In order to find time to do anything that doesn't require a baby on your arm, you need at least three adults in the house. If elder brother is home, the number of course is bumped up to four. This past weekend, my mother- and father-in-law came to hold babies, my wife took Kiernan to the park, and I was able to spend an hour assembling the new IKEA TROFAST organizer in the basement.

Actually putting the TROFAST into use and organizing the basement will require at least a small army of visitors.

Volunteers?

Brain, meet afternoon wall

The Multiple Birth Families Association needs to work out a partnership with Starbucks - I want to show our MBFA membership card and get a free espresso shot in my white mocha.

I just wish it had better handles...

Thump

The light ahead turned yellow, but before my foot hit the brake there was a smack to my left. A small dark shape bounced off the driver's side window - did someone just throw something at me?

I looked around - no one was nearby, so at the light I looked in my side mirror to see the bird lying on the other side of the yellow line. Another bird swooped in to land next to it - do sparrows mate for life? No, wait, there's a third bird coming in for a landing. Maybe it's a Bill-Paxton-Big-Love sort of thing?

The bird stood up, and the other two birds fluttered away. As the light turned green it still stood there, hopefully aware that it's close to the path of oncoming tires and able to move away.

Random segue into twin news: Off-schedule twin wakings make me feel just like that bird.

Sleep deprived conversations continued...

Last night I woke up around one am to see Lara sitting in her glider holding a baby and exclaiming in wonderment, "How did she get so big?"
I glanced at the clock and said "Is it time to feed them?"
She ignored my question, instead deducing, one word coming out at a time, "She got bigger because she's older!"
"Juliette is younger than Quinn."
"She's grown bigger!"
I looked to my left to see Juliette still sleeping in the bassinet - Lara was holding Quinn, the bigger of the twins by at least a pound. I decided to just turn on the hall light to make our journey to the babies' room easier.

Upon my return, Lara looked up at me.
"What am I doing now?" she asked, then answered herself immediately: "Right. My dad is going to hold a baby so I can hold the strawberry."

"Do you want to go to the other chair and feed both of them?" I asked.
"Which ones?" she replied.
"Both of them."
"Which both of them?"
"Both babies."
"Oh right, there are only two."
I don't know, maybe the strawberry was hungry?

Later on, at the following feeding around 4am I came in to check on them.
"How are they doing?"
"Guhbluhbuhmruh" Lara stated matter-of-factly.
"Pardon me?"
"Nothing- it's- nevermind-" she backpedaled, assuming I was fishing for blog post material. (Not this time - I figured all the gold had been mined at this point.)
"I just didn't hear you. Is everything okay?"
"It's snowing."
"Okay, I'll be back in fifteen."

Sleep deprived ramblings for fun and blog post material

"I find it hard to believe -" my wife stated lazily from the chair, tandem-nursing the twins at around 2 in the morning, "- that they can eat an entire firetruck."

The relativity of root vegetables

Go buy yourself a 25lb bag of potatoes. Pick it up. Carry it around. Not all the time, just various points throughout the day - feel free to drop them off at a sitter during the week, but the weekends are for you and the tubers. Strap the bag into your car and go for a drive. Give it a piggy-back. Put a silly hat on it and then lift it up above your head so it can see itself in a mirror. Now do it again (because it demands it). Occasionally add and remove potatoes to keep it within the 25-31 pound range. Do this for a year. Your muscles will adapt nicely until the weight isn't a big deal.

Now leave your potatoes with your parents and pick up two bags of carrots, weighing 5 and 6 pounds each. Carry them for four days.

Go pick up your potatoes. Your potatoes are going to feel like they've doubled in mass and seem at least twice as old.

Twins!

On Tuesday Lara's doctor decided her blood pressure was spiking and decided to send her in to be induced. There's a waiting list at the hospital and so by 5pm the doctor's office called to say that the hospital would be calling in the morning. Was there a chance they'd call that evening? No, 100% in the morning.

Immediately, my mind composed the to-do list for the evening:

1. Put a load of laundry in
2. Mow the lawn
3. tidy the front entrance
4. Install a plug cover in Kiernan's room
5. Organize the Tupperware
6. Paint the bathroom

As I walked up from the laundry room not two minutes later, the phone rang. "Eat something then come on in!" Fabulous.

And so, at 7:38am on Wednesday the 13th (Kiernan was also born on a Wednesday the 13th) a baby boy weighing in at 6 lbs 9 oz came into the world after three minutes of pushing. Six minutes later, out came baby sister at 5 lbs 10 oz.

Kiernan welcomes his baby brother Quinn Dante, and his baby sister Juliette Lorelai!

BBS - Blacklisted BS? :)

The day after my TATTLENET post, I was in fact at the top of the list of searches for TATTLENET or TATTLEAWARD... apparently bragging about such a feat in the title of the blog post causes some sort of anti-spam filter which removed the search completely from the list... I suppose this is to prevent cornering the search market on queries for "albino cows" in order to sell their own brand of cow paint.

I wonder if a name change of the post would in fact reinstate me. Or if that post has been permanently banned... luckily my blog itself still turns up on the following important google searches (according to my analytics)...


Apparently that's someone's full name, as searches have occurred multiple times with both in the past few weeks.


Replace CULLEN with any of the IKEA products listed in this post and you get at least half of the search terms used. What do you people need reviews for? This is IKEA? Are there bad IKEA reviews?


Note to self: Compose followup post on the ongoing adventures with chunky. Include diagrams.


Little did M.A. Horn realize his publication would reach the masses in this way, and hopefully these searchers did not follow his instructions.


Okay then.


Wow. Please leave my blog and take your produce with you.


You're definitely looking in the wrong place.

Eyes

Shouting from upstairs soon after Kiernan had gone to bed caused me to trudge back up to see what the matter was.

"I need water."
"Your water is on the table next to your bed - " I said as I reached for the cup.
"NO! I CAN GET IT!" and so he did.
"You could have done that instead of yelling for me to come upstairs."
He paused in his sipping. "You wanted to come upstairs."
"No, as a matter of fact I wanted to stay downstairs."
"What's your name?"
"My name is Eric. What's your name?"
"I'm Kiernan." He went briefly back to his cup. "What colour are your eyes?"
"They're brown. What colour are your eyes?"
"They're brown too. I have dog eyes."
"You have dark eyes?"
"NO! DOG eyes!"
"Okay, dog eyes. Are you done drinking? Okay, good night."

This morning when asked who says he has dog eyes, Kiernan replied it was Daddy - We assume the use of the "puppy-dog eyes" term has been misinterpreted.

The TATTLENET TATTLEAWARD goes to..

Back around 15 years ago, pre-internet, there were these things called Bulletin Board Systems, or BBSs. A person would set up a BBS on their computer and other people would dial in to exchange messages, share files, or play games. Picture it like Facebook, only for people in your local area, and only if one person could log in at a time. Technology was amazing!

Some BBSs were connected together in a network - when no one was logged into the BBS, that BBS would call up another BBS, they'd transfer the messages between each other, and you could get a response to your message from a completely different BBS in like two or three days! Amazing!

Anyhow, the reason for this post is to talk about the sad sad fate of one of my most prized possessions. You see, there was a network of BBSs called TATTLENET, run by Bonehead and Vanity Flair of Land of the Lone Butthead BBS. TATTLENET was fun - they had restaurant meetups which the dubbed Bonehead's Secret Tea Parties and meets in the park called Vanity's Vicious Volleyball Tourneys (VVVTs). I own both TATTLENET T-shirts, and the alias I used (Rigor Mortis, how fancy and dark) at the time is listed on both.

One year at a Secret Tea Party, the inaugural TATTLEAWARDS were given out. I won TATTLENET'S BIGGEST FLAG-WAVER (Bonehead had posted a message one day asking for people to advertise TATTLENET in the most exuberant manner possible - the first three people doing so would receive a bottle of Pepsi. As he had not explicitly specified to do so elsewhere, I responded immediately within the same message forum. Because I'm hilarious that way. Not to be one-upped, a few weeks later a confused looking Fed Ex deliveryman dropped off a box from "Land of The Lone Butthead" containing a bottle of Pepsi) The awards given out each consisted of a labeled styrofoam cup with three plastic forks and a ball of aluminum foil forming a T on top.

The night after winning this award, I posted a message describing how I'd been approached on the bus by a group of girls asking what it was that I was holding. They were less than impressed with my explanation, and walked away. I felt so suave.

The following year the awards were held again. We got to the end and I had no award. Then out of nowhere an announcement was made - there was one more award to give out. There was some sort of speech about great contributions, blah blah blah, then out of a large bag came a TATTLEAWARD. It looked just like any other TATTLEAWARD, cup, forks, and foil. Only it had sequins.



Oh, and also:



Everyone whooped and called out "Speech! Speech!" I stood up, waited for the noise to die down and said "Ladies, gentlemen, (oh, and Bonehead), thank you very much for this award. I'd like to say one thing, and that is this: Today is a very special day, because today... I drove here."

And now I say goodbye to this dust collector, as it travels to its final resting place in the garbage. Or blue box. I don't know, are sequins recyclable?

Not thrown out:

The Death of Flaming BBS award:


And for some reason I just can't let go of this:

Drive-through association

With a couple of blog posts queued up awaiting related photographs, along comes a quick anecdote that doesn't require any...

Kiernan and I were sent on a mission for breakfast. Since Lara has started her soy-free milk-free diet to prepare the twins' digestive systems, that gives us one option: McDonald's.

So while Lara reclines back at the house, Kiernan and I headed off to the drive-through.

Pulling up to the speaker I begin: "I'd like two #5 BLT Bagel combos --"
From the back seat: "and Timbits!"
"-- one with coffee and two sugars --"
"AND Timbits!"
"-- the other with a milk"
"AND! TIMBITS!"
"Kiernan, that's a different restaurant."
"Oh okay."
"And hotcakes, please."
You could tell the guy on the speaker was stifling laughter. "Will that be everything, sir?"
"AND! TIMBITS!"

Cards, anyone?

I ordered four decks of the previously mentioned Desjgn Cards, in Gray Moonstone, Black Opal, Green Emerald, and Orange Coral. I'm wishing I'd gone for some Purple Spinel and Brown Topaz as well, but maybe in the future... because the current six decks of plastic playing cards in the house is not enough should I ever decide to open a casino in my so-uncluttered basement.

Anyway, for the first two days of his life Kiernan had no name. This was because Lara and I couldn't decide between the names Kiernan and Quinn. Now we're pretty sure of the names of both of the upcoming twins, but Quinn fell off the list of favourites long ago isn't even an option for either the boy or the girl.

The other day Lara casually mentions "Too bad we don't like the name Quinn anymore."
"Why's that?" I asked.
"Kiernan, Quinn, and Juliette - K Q J"
Blank stare from me.
"King Queen Jack?" she offered.
"I understand that. I was just thinking how I suddenly like the name Quinn again."

Unfortunately it's apparently not an option anymore.

I bought an iPod Touch on Thursday and downloaded a bunch of free apps. One was a game called Jelly Car. The controls are simple - touch the left side of the screed to go left, the right side of the screen to go right, and tap the car to grow or shrink it.

So yesterday, when Kiernan was acting up at his great-grandmother's, and we forgot to bring books or toys to distract him. I whipped out Jelly Car to show him. Because the controls are so simple, Kiernan played his first video game AND got a high score. Sure, it was on an easy level in which no weird physics puzzles are involved, but that's pretty good for a two and a half year old.

Bite-strength exceeding his actual weight...

As a piece of food approaches your mouth, you can generally preconceive the degree of softness and adjusts how hard you're going to bite down to penetrate it.

Whether it's a marshmallow or a piece of chewy beef, however, a two and a half year old apparently bites down as hard as he can to get his teeth through as fast as possible. If dad's finger happens to be in there a, it is painful as hell.

Of course, since biting is not allowed, Kiernan was inconsolable - despite being told it was an accident and telling him the throbbing digit was okay (lie to your children, everyone!) he sobbed for at least ten minutes. You'd think I bit him.

You set up a blog post half a year in advance...

... and then discover youtube's doing the same thing as you.

So now I look like I'm copying youtube.

ǝɯıʇƃolq

¡oʇ ʇǝƃ oʇ sƃuıɥʇ "lɹıƃ" ǝsoɥʇ ʇnoqɐ lɐnuɐɯ ǝuǝıƃʎɥ ǝloɥʍ ɐ s,ǝɹǝɥʇ puɐ ɹǝʇɥƃnɐp ɐ ƃuıʌɐɥ ɯ,ı 'dɐɹɔ ʎloɥ -
¡ɯǝɥʇ puıɥǝq sǝıɹoʇs unɟ ǝɥʇ ǝsnoɥ ǝɥʇ ɯoɹɟ pǝʇɔıʌǝ ƃuıǝq ʎllnɟǝɔɹoɟ ǝɹɐ ɥɔıɥʍ ǝuıɯ ɟo sƃuıɥʇ -
¡ǝlqɐɯɯɐɹƃoɹdǝɹ sı uıɐɹq uɐɯnɥ ǝɥʇ -

:uoos ƃuıɯoɔ ʇnq ˙˙˙ɯǝɥʇ ǝʇıɹʍ ʎllɐnʇɔɐ oʇ ǝɯıʇ ǝlʇʇıl ooʇ ǝʞıl slǝǝɟ ʇɐɥʍ puɐ '(ʇɹɐd-ıʇlnɯ ǝɯos) sɐǝpı ʇsod ƃolq ɟo suoʇ

L'il mysogonist

"Look over there, that lady has a baby! That's NOTHING, we're going to have TWO babies."
"Two babies?"
"Yup. A baby brother and a baby sister for you."
"I only want one baby."
"Only one? Do you want a boy baby or a girl baby?"
"I want only the boy baby."
"But then where's the girl baby going to go?"
"The girl baby goes in the kitchen!"

Speaking in iambic pentameter by age 3!

I had a discussion with Lara yesterday about kids around Kiernan's age, namely the fact that I can't understand half the things they're saying. Is it because we're better attuned to the speech patterns of our own children? Apparently it's not in this case - those other kids are right on track when it comes to speech development, my kid's just super advanced.

"We are going to climb up the stairs!" he says to me a few weekends ago. "We are climbing the stairs, daddy!". I'm sure if asked he would have gone on to describe the future tenses as well. Each syllable is eloquently pronounced, which makes it all the more cute when a word in his vocabulary is consistently mispronounced:

"I meed to eat more berries!"

"I want to use the oze-ringe crayon!"


"I like to watch the Back-a-yardins!"

"I want NUF-TING for dinner!"

We try to correct some of the more dire mistakes, such as his habit of dropping the "g" on the end of the occasional "ing" verb, but it would ruin our fun to fix inconsequential patterns which will eventually work out on their own. Sadly, the following phrases have been replaced with real pronunciations:

"I like to splash in cuddles!" was always a good way to get a round of "Awwwww!"s at work.

"Baa baa blapp sheep" was an excellent song.

This morning "Oh! I have a skelkitin on my pirate shirt!" became the latest victim...

28 weeks

Today marks the beginning of Operation: Hold Those Babies In!*

Only 9 weeks to go... or 12 if you really want, dear! You can do it!






* also coincides with Sub-operation: please don't come out yet babies, I really need to clean the house

I don't think this blue bowl is dishwasher-safe - oh, wait, never mind

Picture a fine blue dust coating both outer and inner surfaces of a random selection of your dishes, and you will be envisioning the results of a crayon being placed in a dishwasher. Picturing 70% of that amount of dust, and you'll be seeing the results of a second wash cycle.

Family dining!

I met up with some friends who I haven't seen in a while in a bar and grill all the way across town. It's comforting to know that there a change station in the men's washroom if I ever think to take Kiernan or the twins to "Philthy McNasty's".

Time flies like a banana

Apparently I've been blogging for a full year.

Weekly Wednesday #47

Weekly Link:
Media:The Arctic Ice caps are melting! We are doomed!
Scientists: Well, not really.. and hey, check out what's happening in Antarctica!
Media: The world is doomed to a watery grave!
Scientists: You didn't check it out, did you.
Media: Sure did! Booooring! DOOOM!

Weekly Photo:
Took me a while to figure out how this photo was taken... Mirage?

Weekly Kiernan and the Twins:
Kiernan has already taught the twins how to high five. The twins may or may not be using feet to do so.

Weekly Drum Song:
Kiernan's love of mommy's CD of Bollywood tunes has guided us to my collection of 90s Eurodance. He is especially impressed that I was in the crowd (somewhere) in this video:

Ottawa-is-a-small-place-anecdote: The singer with the long hair was a student I helped out three years ago while I was a teaching assistant. She revealed they lipsynched that night, gasp!

Google is fast

It's third from the bottom on page 2, but still...

Square Root Day

I can't believe I almost missed Square Root Day!

Successful peanut butter use

On April 1st, 1993, the following Calvin and Hobbes comic was published:

(Calvin is looking aghast into a jar of peanut butter)
Calvin: Aaugh! The peanut butter is ruined! You're supposed to scoop one half straight down and then dig out the other side from the bottom, so part of the top remains undisturbed until the very end!
Calvin's mom (perplexed): What on earth for?
Calvin (as if this should be completely obvious): It's a ritual! You have to keep the top of the peanut butter smooth!
Calvin's mom: Maybe you should make your own sandwiches.
Calvin: If you can't control your peanut butter, you can't expect to control your life. Did you cut the bread diagonally?

As I've been the only peanut butter eater in the house for the past 27 weeks, I was able to successfully coat my bagel (for the first time in almost 15 years) with the smooth surface of the last of a small jar of peanut butter! Now to tackle a new challenge: a large jar... OF CHUNKY!

Weekly Wednesday #46

Weekly Weekend:
We shipped Kiernan off to my parent's cottage to run around with the cousins and spent two nights at the Gananoque Inn. It was very relaxing, and we even got to visit the casino. Of course, the casino website states that they only offer seven card stud, and I spent a few weeks beforehand brushing up my skills only to discover they don't offer it anymore and it was just limit hold'em... I was at the $2-5 table for over two hours and managed to get stuck $70 (one old man with a double-sided combover-to-the-middle kept getting full houses until he left for the $10-20 table which opened up) but managed to slowly claw my way back... Lara was VERY patient, but having won $15 at the slot machines (and being pregnant with twins) she indicated with a grimace from the rail it was time to leave. As I began to rack my chips to leave the dealer dealt me in anyway. It was free to play the hand, so of course it was Ace-Queen... and of course I flopped the Queen... but I managed to keep the betting to the minimum and the lady to my right rivered a straight. I cashed out only $32 short, which means if I'd folded the Ace-Queen I would have only lost $16...

Weekly Image:
That's him! That's the full-house magnet!


Weekly Kiernan:
Monday was Family Day, so with our day off we decided to start the move to the big boy bed at naptime. After an hour and a half later of storytelling, crying and no sleep, we feared the worst. At bedtime, we had to put a doorknob guard on his old room so he couldn't get in. Then, to our surprise, he went down with no more fuss than usual. And it has continued to be just as easy!

The best part is that there has been a separation in his mind between a crib and a bed. He knows how to get in and out of the bed just fine, grabbing a book to read from the bookshelf and bringing it back to read, but after being put in the bed for sleep, it's like an invisible barrier pops up to keep him in. I walked in on him throwing his toys out of the bed, as he did with the crib, but he was standing in his bed to toss things despite the lower bedrail. Lara and I both have gone in in the morning and had to tell him he could go and get a book himself. Actually, maybe it's best not to remind him of that...

Weekly Video:
Kiernan's potty training has also been going on lately, and lucky for him we don't have this:


Weekly Twins:
We have narrowed boys' names down to two, and both could be used as a middle name to the other... But then there's the interesting initials that could ensue: G.H. Wellman or H.G. Wellman... if only we had a time machine to see which would work out better...

Weekly Workplace:
I got asked if I was available for a 6 month extension on my contract... When I responded immediately I was asked whether I needed time to think about it. Um, no, I think I'm okay with that.

oh my god

This kid looks 8... Baby-faced boy Alfie Patten is father at 13

the video is priceless... "What will you do financially?" "What's financially?"

*cries*

Tired yet awesome

It's 1:30am and I've been playing poker since nine... I just came in second place in the Ante Up Intercontinental Poker Series (AIPS)... 168 (skilled as hell) competitors... My King-Ten of hearts got stabbed by a rivered 5 which paired the other guy's K5, netting me $130... so basically I've got all the future monthly AIPS events paid for in advance... you know, when the twins are sleeping...

Weekly Wednesday #45

Weekly Images:
How to make pixel cookies

Weekly Video:
The Chaser's War on Everything grabbed my attention a few weeks ago... In this clip, Chas is challenged to appear in the background of shots on the Australian Television Awards twenty times...

Other funny videos from the series include their attempts to bring a Trojan Horse past security gates and for we Canadians familiar with Rick Mercer's Talking With Americans, The Chasers interview Americans about 9/11 facts (such as the date it happened)

Weekly Kiernan:
On Sunday while shopping, Lara told Kiernan "We're going to home and make nachos for lunch!"
Kiernan replied, "Not-sos? NOT-SOS? Not-so tasty!"

Of course with his eating habits being very green-eggs-and-ham lately, he refused to even try the nachos unless there was nothing at all on the chip.

The next day Lara used the rest of the salsa to make herself more nachos. Kiernan demanded to eat them, declaring it "yummy pizza".

Weekly Workplace:
Today marks the one year anniversary of my walking in on my first day and being told the lady I was replacing for her maternity leave had been put on bedrest the week before and wouldn't be there to show me the ropes for the next six weeks.

Weekly Twins:
As with the first time around, boy names are hard to agree on. Hopefully Kiernan will not think his baby brother is named "The boy baby."

Weekly WTF:
An uncomfortable wife leads to late night reading for her. That's fine, I can usually fall asleep with the light on if I'm tired enough. But if I'm awoken while the light is still on, I have trouble getting back to dreamland. Which leads me to researching book lamps and finding the following helpful suggestion from Amazon:

Hey look, I get a discount if I purchase filament lightbulb replacements for an LED lamp! (apparently 5% of people who bought the light went on to buy the bulbs, but that's frequently enough for Amazon!)

Blogger vs IKEA 2: The returnening! (conclusion)

A thick instructions manual lay before me, the count of screws, nuts and bolts hiding beneath its cover.

Flipping through, I saw 18 pages isometric illustrations and wordless instructions.

I rubbed my hands together in glee.

Then I noticed that since we were only assembling the bunk bed as a single bed for now there were only three easy steps to do so.

Even a 2 year old could have made that thing...

Blogger vs IKEA 2: The returnening! (part 2)

Around noon on Tuesday I received the call from the returns supervisor to let me know they had tracked down the receipt, and were able to do the exchange. I could either bring the single bed back to the store for the exchange, receiving a voucher for $40 in gas, or get free delivery to the house, but they'd have to figure out when the delivery could be made.

As I was eager to assemble the big boy bed, (and because of the gas money, whee!) I chose the former option and said I'd be in that night. Then I checked the website to see what the package dimensions of the bunk bed were. When we had purchased the bed two weeks ago, the floorperson looked it up in the system and saw that there were two boxes, and obviously since we had purchased them we were confident that it would have fit into the Mazda 5, but I of course wanted to be paranoid sure.

Yup, the HEMNES bed frame says "2 boxes" alright... clicking to see the measurements of the boxes gets you...

Article number:70045383
Width:110 cm
Height:14 cm
Length:205 cm
Weight:63,0 kg
Quantity:1

Okay, that's only one box listed. It's twice the width of the single bed's 1m x 1m box containing headboards, which would make sense since there are four headboards... so why is it 2 metres long? I also found it hard to believe that had I been told there was a 1x2m box that I would have said "Yes, that will fit" when we bought the thing.

So I called a guy at customer service and asked. I was told "That would be the measurement of the biggest box."
"Oh. Well, when we were in the store they looked it up in the system and told us it was two boxes. The web page says it's two boxes. I've bought bigger things from IKEA in the past, and it's hard to believe 130 pounds of pieces would be shoved into a single 2x1 metre box."
"Yes, it's the bigger box. There would be a second box that's just not listed on the web page."

After arranging to borrow my father's truck, then realizing I would have to lug an awkward sized box into the house in the cold, we arranged to switch to home-delivery.

While talking to the customer service guy I should have asked what the measurement of the second smaller box was, because two conveniently car-fitting sized packages have arrived at our door two days after I could have been assembling the thing. Had I asked about this second box, perhaps the customer service guy would have actually looked in the system himself to see that he shouldn't make assumptions lest he make an ass out of U... himself... and... mptions.

IKEA has received an email, praising the help from the returns department, damning the lazy nameless customer service rep, and suggesting that the web page be updated to reflect the actual package sizes.

Weekly Wednesday #44

Weekly Link:
Japan sewage yields more gold than top mines

Weekly Kiernan:
We find ourselves reverting back to tactics used months ago to get him to eat... Each spoonful is a different animal who wants to be eaten, or each forkfull is alternated with applesauce or fruit... the other night the random animals had to request a taste of each piece of peach which had just been swallowed.

Weekly Twins:
I've finally felt a kick, but don't ask me whose it was.

Weekly Workplace:
Anyone who has worked for a non-profit can probably tell you two things about the computers they had to use: They are slow and they are out-of-date. Whether my contract here is renewed or not, I will be forever remembered as the one who brought speed to the masses due to a mass memory upgrade from an average 256MB to a whopping 1gb of memory. Some people were actually sitting there amazed and giggling at how fast Outlook closed and then re-opened. I apologized for all the thumb-twiddling people would be missing out on in the future.

Of course, there's one lady who works here one or two days a week, and in another location the other days -- when she heard about the upcoming upgrade she was quick to point out that both her computers would need upgrading, so we had to make sure to include the off-location workstation in the inventory.

As I handed over the memory stick and told her if she needed help installing it she should contact IS, she said "I don't understand what this will do, my computer is very old."
She's actually a techie, so really she should know, but I said "This stick was specifically ordered for that computer, and it's going to speed things up. Check out the speed on your computer here and see, there really is a difference."
"Okay, but as I understood it would be a complete upgrade of the computers, not just memory."
"No, it was just memory." She knew this because I have emails of her talking about the memory she needed. "We are waiting on a report of all software versions on all workstations, so we'll be upgrading everyone that way..."
"I just don't understand the point." she muttered as she walked away.

I wonder if she'll understand when it doesn't take 8 minutes for her computer to boot up...

Blogger vs IKEA 2: The returnening!

After an arduous weekend, the office emptied, and Kiernan's big boy room is all ready for set-up!

Last night I dragged the IKEA HEMNES bunk bed boxes up to the room and began (carefully) opening the cardboard.

"Lara," I called downstairs, "What colour did we order?"

"Antique - It only comes in antique... why? What did they give us?"

"Black."

She came up and took a look "Yep, that's black. Count the pieces."

We had wondered how a bunk bed could fit into two boxes when Lara had brought the boxes from her parents' house, but after checking the website in my usual paranoid manner, we saw that yes, the HEMNES comes in two boxes. Technically we got two boxes and a bundle of wooden slats... I just figured so few slats were just further apart.

But alas, it turns out instead of this...


... the warehouse had given us this:


On top of it all, we couldn't locate the receipt. I've got receipts for crushed stone delivered to my driveway three and a half years ago, but not from a bunk bed, paid in cash two weeks ago. We had also purchased a DAVE laptop stand on a separate purchase, and that receipt was also missing, so they're probably hiding somewhere together, fearful of my IKEA wrath.

I lugged the bed across town (what's up with this one IKEA per city rule anyway?) where I received ticket #249 for service. They were serving 236, a lady who was screaming at the supervisor about some silk flowers she wanted to return. The supervisor was almost in tears, so of course my retail-brain kicks in and I start feeling sympathy for the evil IKEA people who gave me the wrong bed.

After the lady stormed past, it became apparent that there was only one customer service rep working alongside the supervisor. The red-eyed supervisor came out and let us know individually that their system was down and they can still process returns, but would we like water or a hot dog or ice cream. Damn your friendly tactics, IKEA staff!

Of course, as she got to me I quickly explained my situation: Wrong bed, no receipt, purchased on the 17th of January at around 2pm. She went "Oh dear." and grabbed a phone off her belt to call the warehouse. She chatted a bit, told me they would definitely fix this, and went to the back room.

I tried to not think of all the customers who she hadn't gotten to yet, glaring at me for depriving them of the free offer of hot dogs and lingonberry juice.

Since the system was down, they had no way of getting to my record at the moment, but the supervisor took my name and number and will be calling me today around lunchtime. She said they WILL get me my bunk bed, and also offered to pay for my gas for wasting my trip. The absolute nerve of IKEA employees softening my anger with your excellent customer service! Gr!

Apologies go out to customers #242 through #248 who were still waiting for service as I lugged the bed back to the car.

Weekly Wednesday #43

Weekly Link:
Create your own Star Trek (TOS) plot with this handy flowchart!

Weekly Twins:
Ultrasounds with twins are obviously much longer and more complex - often one body is blocking the other. We got to see both babies' faces, the ultrasound technician printed three photos, and they all ended up being of the boy.

Weekly Drum Song:
Every so often, when Kiernan is asking to watch Youtube videos and I don't really feel like watching yet another Wiggles playlist, I'll seek out some indie rock grrl videos. I tend to sneak this one in almost every time, but there's no real reaction from K ...

So I'd been delaying actually playing the CD for him, in case he hated Sleater Kinney and hurt my feelings. I finally popped All Hands on the Bad one into the car when we went to the museum on Saturday and he loved it. When the above song came on he went "OHHH! That's daddy's drum song!"

Maybe we need to ring a bell...

"Swallow your spit!" Lara says almost daily to Kiernan as the drool covers his shirt.

After brushing his teeth each night I say "Spit!" and he automatically swallows.

Accomplishments

So, Lara managed to shift enough stuff around in the basement room last week that I was able to start the great two-floor clutter shift! Lara was away this weekend, and Kiernan took an hour before finally going to sleep on Saturday, but then it was time to relocate the ancient (IKEA) shelving/desk unit in ten easy steps!

Step one: Take everything off of the lowest shelf under the window. Put it all into an empty box. Disassemble the two shelves and bring them downstairs.

Step two: Take everything off the corner section. Put it all in the area where the low section was, as well as onto the dresser top that was brought upstairs. Realize that the only way to get the CRT monitor out of this corner section is to lift it at an awkward angle straight up over the two shelf supports. Avoid head injuries (that will come later). Bring corner pieces downstairs.

Step three: Take everything off the shelves above the cupboard section, placing them on the floor in the corner. Wish you had more than one empty box. Disassemble the shelves and bring them downstairs, leaving the heavy, and bulky, and cluttered cupboard behind.

Step four: Empty and transport the shelves above the desk. Realize that disassembling the desk section itself will be very noisy and Kiernan will wake up. Luckily the corner section should now be able to be assembled, using the one corner support and the support from the cupboard section. Hurray for IKEA and their interchangeable parts!

Step five: Remember that it always took two people to assemble the corner section.

Step six: Assemble the corner section alone.

Step seven: Stand back and admire assembled corner section!

Step eight: Oh, wait, the middle shelf looks askew. Right, the pegs in the corner support need to be moved up one notch. I'll need to hold this corner section vertical with one hand and move the pegs with the other, so I'll carefully push the shelf up the corner support using my head... now I'll move them up a hole, and lower the shelf back downwaitwhat'sthatslidingnoise?

Step nine: Have top shelf fall on the middle shelf. Extract self and in the process have the middle shelf fall as well, with the side supports falling away.

Step ten: Since no concussion has occurred, repeat steps five through seven then wait until wife gets home on Sunday to continue the assembly.

Weekly Wednesday #42

Weekly Image:
Often while driving, traffic grinds to a halt and Lara (even in non-pregnancy rage mode) freaks out when it is discovered that absolutely nothing caused the slowdown. I theorized that someone tapping their brakes could cause a ripple effect of slowdowns all the way along the highway... turns out I was right!

Weekly Workplace:
An external company creating a Flash module for us. I have Flash experience. I reported a problem with the module and they fixed it using a bandaid solution instead of taking the time required to fix their mistake.

This solution caused the rest of the module to fail horribly. I told them exactly what it looks like they'd done, mentioned that I've had this same experience and research has concluded that you're not supposed to do it that way. I sent screen shots of the product (taken from Firefox, but said "It does this in IE as well."). I pointed out the exact HTML file where the problem was located and said "The previous version doesn't have this code, and I can see the problem is exactly here."

The project manager told me that this was unfortunately the ONLY solution possible. We has a brief phone conversation with her boss, in which I was able to use the technical terms the PM didn't seem to understand, and boss-man said he would take care of it. Soon he sent back a message saying they were working on fixing the problem - the team told him the issue was that I was using Firefox and everything worked as it should in IE. I forwarded him the email in which I'd stated that IE had the same problem.

There was silence for hours. Finally, they fired over the final version for review, the bandaid (and unfortunately the ONLY) solution was gone, they had gone in and done all the manual work they could have done in the first place. Bottom line - when you are a Project manager, don't give the bullshit lines to someone who knows the technology. It may work for non techies, but it was pretty damn obvious I knew what I was talking about.

Weekly Kiernan:
While stopped at a traffic light, Kiernan exclaimed "Daddy! It's a circle!"
As he's been up to speed on all his shapes for at least a year, this was just another random exclamation. I couldn't tell where he was looking.
"Another circle daddy!"
"TWO circles?" I gasped dramatically.
"Ya, TWO CIRCLES!" there was a beat, "OH!!!!!!"
"Another circle?"
"No! Two hands! TWO HANDS JUST LIKE ME!"
The circles, I realized, were the two red lights...


Later on, as we'd dropped off the guy I've been commuting with in during the bus strike, Kiernan asked "What's Ron doing?"
"He's giving you thumbs up!"
"I'm doing thumbs up too!" - indeed, Kiernan's mitten thumbs were up, but whether his thumbs were actually in it was unknown.
"We can go home and give mommy two thumbs up and say 'Good job mommy!'"
"Okay. I wanna do two fingers up too!"
"Well, I suppose that depends on the fingers."

While on the subject of design...

I also discovered 365inches.com where designer is trying to come up with one one-inch button design each day for a year.

They're NOT just cards.

Okay, I'm not much of a graphic designer, but I love looking at other peoples' work. So Desjgn did extensive research into the history of the look and feel playing cards, and then designed 100% plastic cards - I'm totally drooling over these... the font, the pip layout...



... omg the colours!


I. Totally. Want.

Before the twins arrive...

Here's our pre-May to-do list, which has obviously been on my mind more than blogging has (I say on my mind, because I've mainly just been pondering the list rather than going through it):

Organize the basement junk craft room. We got rid of the queen sized bed that took up most of this room's space, so that's a start.

Move the contents of the second floor junk room office to the basement craft room. Since getting laptops, this second bedroom has not been getting much use.

Move a chunk of store stock contents to the craft room. What's that? When you close a storefront and return to your online roots you need to store the inventory somewhere? That craft room will surely have room for that stuff...

Purge all unnecessary crap that doesn't fit into that room (tidily). I've been working on that for a while -- some things have actually been thrown out! The bottlecap collection from when I was a child was actually in the wastebasket until I noticed people selling bottlecaps in worse condition on ebay for a dollar each. Also, when you have eight years worth of Official Playstation Magazines you can't just throw that out... you know, in case you need to refer to the out of date previews later... hey, I managed to trash a years worth of magazines that were mostly paid advertising...

Assemble the big boy bed in the old office. This should be easy, it's from IKEA of course. The big issue is getting it set up early enough that Kiernan doesn't associate the relocation of rooms to the appearance of babies... oh, and did I mention he doesn't like sleeping in actual beds?

This'll be fun.

Delurking Day

According to half the blogs I read, today is Delurking Day!

So whether you read my blog but never comment, or comment rarely, or comment on every single post, go ahead and report in below!

Dissolving parliament...

Canadian politics has never made much sense to me until seeing this view from across the pond: Scary Go Round by John Allison -- It's all so clear now!

Weekly Wednesday #41

Weekly Link:
I've heard (pun intended) of The Bloop before, but never realized there were other Strange and Mysterious Sounds from the Earth out there...

Weekly Video:
Maybe someday I'll be reborn as an adrenaline junkie... hopefully not due to jumping off of Norwegian cliffs and then actually flying (falling with style?) in a wingsuit... Best viewed in full screen.. and just imagine it on an IMAX screen...


Weekly Kiernan:
Since I've been AWOL the past two weeks, here are two amusing incidents, although technically that doesn't catch me up at all:

We were sitting on the glider reading a story before bedtime when my stomach grumbled.
Kiernan said "Oh! Are you pooping, Daddy?" to which I replied "No, that was just my tummy making a noise."
"Do you need to go to the potty?"
"Maybe later."

Kiernan has had a cough the past few nights, which has had him waking up randomly through the night. The first night, we started the vapourizer, rubbed on some vapo-rub, and gave him a spoonful of honey. The next day Kiernan noticed the bear-shaped honey jar.
"Oh! A bear!"
"That's the bottle that hold the honey, it's shaped like a bear."
"I had honey and my cough went away. GOOD JOB, DADDY!"

Weekly Drum Song:
The only Christmas song I can tolerate (and listen to any time of the year, actually) is from the soundtrack to the movie Elf starring Will Ferrell and Zooey Deschanel. Zooey sings "Baby it's Cold Outside" with Leon Redbone, and since hearing her singing voice I occasionally google around to read up on the hundreds of people demanding a full album from her.
Finally, the CD entitled Volume One by She & Him, a collaberation of Deschanel and M Ward has come into my possession (I bought it, gasp!) and I enjoy its old-timey-sounding songs thoroughly, even though it can get alt-country at times... Kiernan demands song with more drums, however, so the CD is not played in the car.


Weekly Twins:
I told Lara she needs to hold those babies in until at least May 21st so they can be born under the Gemini zodiac sign. I'm not a follower of astrology, I just find that amusing. The look given to me was decidedly less amused by this prospect.

It's a boy and a....

girl!

(Just in case your RSS feed only showed you titles, you had to click through. Hurray analytics!)

Baby A showed his goods almost right away, but then he had to have the rest of his measurements taken. Then Baby B got measured.. and measured... and measured... and then almost did not cooperate, so I had to endure an excruciatingly long wait until she was finally declared female. This will the first girl after four grandsons for my mom and dad - and the fifth boy will come out first because he's lower.

A Woman's Reproductive or Sex Organs

The following excerpts are from Chapter 7 of The Manual of Hygiene - Father and Son by M.A. Horn.

(This chapter is chock full of the basics taught by high school gym teachers during sex-ed class. It would have been skipped entirely, along with the related chapter on Male Reproductive Organs, had it not been for one little nugget tucked away at the end of the chapter...)


A Woman's Reproductive or Sex Organs

While the chief function of the female breasts is to provide milk to a nursing child, they are definitely one of the lesser sex organs. The nipples contain erectile tissue, just as do the clitoris and vagina and a pleasurable sensation is experienced by most women when they are kissed or otherwise handled. As a rule, cold frigid women have small, undeveloped breasts, while those who are warm and well-sexed have well developed ones.