Sunday, August 31, 2008


The Dora-themed pasta floated in the broth, surrounded (very sparsely, I might add) by vegetables. Into his mouth went monkey heads, backpacks, and Swiper the Fox clones. Finally, there was only one piece left - a rather ragged looking section torn from a star.

"What's that?" he asked.

"Pasta!" I replied as he fished it out with a spoon.

"That's a M though!"

I grabbed the spoon before it reached his mouth and forced Lara to come and look at the bowl - otherwise, maybe she wouldn't have believed me. The pasta was indeed an M, and my child is a freaking genius.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Weekly Wheneversday #24

... good thing it's not Daily Wednesdays...

Weekly Link:
These Volkswagen Ads show film fanatics talking about how Ghostbusters is really a story about the obesity crisis in America, Mary Poppins is just the Exorcist with songs, and Star Wars is really just a remake of the Wizard of Oz.

Weekly Video:
Wooden mirrors...

Weekly Writer's Block:

Weekly Wager:
At what point after entering the pedestrian walkway entrance at Place d'Orléans mall will Kiernan's legs mysteriously give out on him?
The odds:
Right inside the door: 2:1
Halfway down the hall: 3:2
End of the hall, as soon as the mall threshold is crossed: 5:3
None of the above: 1:10

Friday, August 22, 2008

Weekly Wednesday #23

... Now for the first time in Friday-o-vision!

Weekly Revelation:
Yesterday at about 2:30pm a coworker mentioned an event happening "tomorrow"... I thought to myself "Wasn't that on Friday and not tomorrow?" and then discovered it was Thursday yesterday, and not Wednesday. Then I was too busy getting groceries to post anything last night. I'm not sure what happened this week, but I hope I had fun on my missing day.

Weekly Link:
Enhancing a digital video using higher resolution still photographs -- These students will make a lot of money. The before/after video is amazing.

Weekly Word:
Fruck. Only half of the times the R is silent. As in "Daddy, a fruck! And a 'nother fruck!" Of course, in the mall there's a "fireTRuck" and a "towTRuck"... but as I walk by a group of nuns it's always "'NOTHERFRUCK DADDY!!!"

Weekly Addictive Game:
Reset Generation. It's nice to find an original game, then crappy when you finish the 1 player story mode, then awesome when you can sign up for free and play live against other players for maximum replayability. If you have an account and play, add cynic_lite to your friends list!

Weekly Philosophical Discussion:
More on frucks: Driving down a road devoid of trucks, I hear from the back seat "A fruck daddy! And a 'nother fruck! Oh! 'Nother fruck!"
"Where are the trucks, I don't see any trucks." I ask.
A brief pause to consider, then "Maybe frucks oer'dere daddy!"

Monday, August 18, 2008

I shouldn't blog about customers, but...

This weekend, the brick-and-mortar version of my wife's online store opened in the mall. Woohoo!

Now, I happened to be in the store yesterday, and I fell into the habit of eavesdropping on passers-by. The cries of "Ohhhh!" and "Awwww!" as they see the giant posters in the window of the cute kids, then come in.

Along walks a pregnant lady, her young son, and his grandmother. Can you say target market?

"Oh, look, a new store!" says sweet, lovable grandma as she slows down her pace.

Pregnant lady barely pauses, glances in, and snaps "It's cheap quality clothes." and walks on.

Excuse me? What? Trust me, I am well experienced with the hormonal rage that can build up inside a pregnant lady, or maybe you just wanted to leave the mall, but screw you.

Come in, look at the product, listen to my wife's factoids about how this line is made in the lululemon factory in BC and how all our products are made by Canadian companies. Touch the organic pyjamas and the fleece-lined change pads. Then I dare you to tell me the product is crap.

Hopefully grandma will come back and shop, then mom will be all "Oh, wow, where did you get this awesome stuff?"

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Weekly Wednesday #22

Weekly Image:

Weekly Link:
The Impossible Task of Cutting Plastic Out of Your Life

Weekly Video:
I found this so sketch by Olde English hilarious. I've watched it four times so far, and I'll probably watch it again when I preview this blog post. Or maybe I'll take a break from blogging and watch it again now.

Weekly Workplace:
Another password change, so I've been there for six months!

Weekly Wondering:
Did the anonymous commenter from last Wednesday break down and watch the Weekly Video?

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Random things I notice on Treehouse TV

- Before getting his own show, the Diego appearing on Dora seems to have been voiced by a post-pubescent teenager, and Baby Jaguar didn't talk. I guess when they decided to spin him off they were all "Wait, how old is he? And who's going to be his Boots-like-sidekick?"

- The costume designers of Hi-5 go to great lengths to add patches or random swatches of cloth in order to prevent cleavage from appearing on a kids show. It doesn't always work for Kimmee.

- There's a new show called Noukie and Friends. Noukie is a 3D-rendered Winnie the Pooh clone, and her friend Paco the Donkey looks like Eeyore. There is no match in A.A. Milne's world to their friend Lola the cow, so maybe that's how they avoid copyright issues.

- Fifi and the Flower Tots hovers barely above Max & Ruby and Miss Spider in its level of annoyingness.

- The songs on Yo Gabba Gabba all sound the same to me. It's all beeps and whistles for those young people! And now I have Party in my Tummy going through my head. I love how the Super Martian Robot Girl segments are designed by Evan Dorkin, who used to draw one of my favourite comic characters, Milk and Cheese.

- Another thing about Noukie and Friends -- I know how they stretch a 3D "skin" over a 3D "skeleton" to make characters look more realistic, but is there nothing that could be done by the animators to prevent the fact that when she walks, Noukie the bear has a nigh-constant case of camel toe? Did I mention the characters don't wear clothes? I can't find an image online to show you that isn't conveniently cropped at waist-level.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Lesbians were not covered in the hygiene manual...

So I pulled into a parking spot at the mall and began stuffing things I didn't want stolen under the passenger seat.

From the back seat I Kiernan exclaimed, "What's that o'erdere?"

"I dunno," I said as I adjusted the laptop bag to show passers-by that it contained not a computer, but merely Tupperware from lunch. "What is it?"


I glanced up to see the car parked two spaces away, where two teenage girls were making out hardcore in the front seat. "Ah. Lesbians." I said aloud before my brain stopped my vocal cords.

Now, Kiernan is at the age where he'll mimic just about anything. We had him running back and forth between the kitchen and the living room the other week saying "Nice bum, mommy!" "Nice bum, daddy!", and a friend of ours who was visiting on the weekend accidentally had him going "Tastes like ess!" for a few minutes at lunch.

I casually unloaded the child from his car seat as I heard the girls exiting their car behind me, their sapphic tongue wrestling apparently done for the moment.

As we walked all the way into the mall behind the two girls, is it bad that I was thinking if Kiernan would only yell "LESbee'ing!" it would make an even better blog post?

...or maybe since he loves loud farewells I should have whispered to him to say "bi"...

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Weekly Wednesday #21

Weekly Link:
Here's what happens when you neglect a child for 7 years: a feral girl (note: not wild girl like in the hygiene manual...) Note to Tampa Bay Times: Please learn to span your articles over multiple pages.

Weekly Images:
10 reasons it would rule to date a unicorn
9 Reasons Not to Date a Tyrannosaurus Rex

Weekly Video:
It was hard, but I watched it all the way through because I just had to know why she was doing it...

Weekly Workplace:
"Eric, just letting you know there's cake upstairs!"

And so I follow the procession of ladies (I'm not saying only the ladies around make a mad dash for cake/cookies/nanaimo bars brought into the office, it's just that the guys are outnumbered by at least 9-to-1) up to the kitchen.

"Where are the other boys?" someone asks a podmate of the two other guys in my work area.
"Oh, they just stared blankly when I mentioned cake then went back to work."

I find it odd that I seem to be the only guy who goes to the social-type events around here... I don't see what the problem is - what's so bad about sitting around, eating treats, chatting about lululemon and bridesmaids dresses?

More cake for me I guess.

Monday, August 4, 2008

How To Help Your Boy Curb Masturbation

The following excerpts are from Chapter 3 of The Manual of Hygiene - Father and Son by M.A. Horn. I had a really hard time skipping paragraphs in this one, let me tell you.

How To Help Your Boy Curb Masturbation

Sometimes the cause of masturbation is a physical one. There might be a slight irritation of the genital organs and if a child persists in handling these organs he should be examined by a physician. Improper diet, bad sleeping facilities or irritating, binding clothing may also be contributing factors.

(Should a proper diet should include cucumbers, melons, and nuts? Should you avoid using straw in your son's mattress because it irritates? And why do hip hop artists grab their crotches even though their clothing is baggy?)

Many parents have forgotten that they, themselves, may once have practiced masturbation and when they first find their child indulging they become horrified.

(I know that sort of thing slips my mind all the time.)

As with many evils, the best solution to the problem of masturbation is to prevent it. While it is true no parent can keep a constant watch on a child to see that he does not masturbate, a little care and observation will bring gratifying results. Watch any suspicious movement the child may go through when he thinks he is unobserved. Do not allow him to remain in bed after he awakens in the morning or from his afternoon nap. Don't allow him to put his hands in his pockets continually.

(Put straw in the mattress to discourage laying about in bed! Force him to wear tight clothing so hands cannot slide into pockets at all!)

At one time masturbation was looked upon as the cause of imbecility and insanity. While this is no longer common belief the habit is still frowned upon as dangerous. Too frequently indulged in, it may lead to complete nervous exhaustion. The constant masturbator may find himself experiencing sparks or flashes before the eyes or he may eventually fall prey to a serious sexual disturbance. He will become melancholy, lack energy, be shy and absent-minded and in time he may become impotent sexually.
One of the most dangerous results of masturbation is the effect it may have upon an adolescent's mental condition.

(Mental in a non-insane way, though.)

Many men who marry rather late in life, do so in the hope that they may overcome their long-time habit of masturbation. They hope that normal sexual experiences with a woman with whom they love will cure them of the habit, but they often find that by that time normal relations with a woman have become an impossibility. Prolonged masturbation has rendered them incapable of securing a natural erection, for it must be remembered that it is not necessary that the penis be erect in order to masturbate.

(... I'm rendered speechless by the veritable tsunami of factual science that has just rolled over me.
And finally folks, if your boy doesn't stop masturbating...)

Then they should be taken to a competent physician and examined for possible physical defects which may be the cause.

Friday, August 1, 2008


So yesterday my wife sent me the report of the man decapitating a fellow passenger on a bus.

I found another news story on the subject at the Winnipeg Free Press.

This morning I read another article at

Same happening, same general details, three different pieces reporting facts.

Then this pops onto my radar: An article on an Indian news site: Bus passenger beheaded in Canada, cannibalism feared.

Really? No mention was made anywhere else (I researched further at Reuters / National Post / CNN / FOX news) about how the attacker "reportedly cut the victim's body into many pieces and cannibalised it" -- Did someone actually think "Hey, this story just isn't awful enough, I'm going to kick it up a notch!"

Is it okay to (reportedly) make shit up as long as you put the words "reportedly" in front of it?