Sort of a "boyoing", I suppose?

"What sound does caffeine make daddy?"

"Um... What?"

"You said caffeine wakes you and mommy up."

(slightly) more bathroom stories

"What's that box daddy?"

The metal box in question was attached to the bathroom stall wall.

"I'm not sure." I lifted the angled lid and saw it was empty, but had a slot at the bottom. Instructions were printed on the underside of the lid on how to load the box... with maxi pads.

"What are the instructions for?"

"I don't know, it doesn't say..." I lied.

"Maybe the box is for holding books." Kiernan decided.

"Probably!" I agreed as we flushed, exited, and double-checked that there were in fact urinals in the bathroom.

Like a soap dispenser?

I can't imagine what it is like to overhear some of the conversations coming out of the stalls in public washrooms which contain Kiernan and myself.

"I peed."
"Okay, so you're done?"
"No, I need to poo."
"Okay. Go ahead."
I cringe as the over-dramatic grunting sounds begin. Luckily, these don't last long for once.
"It's not working."
"So you're done."
"No, I still need to poo."
"Okay, try some more."
"Help me daddy!"
"Uh, help you how?"
"Push down on my head!"
"Um. Who told you that pushing down on your head helps you go to the bathroom?"
"I told myself."
"I don't think that actually helps."
"Yes it DOES."
"Okay okay." I acquiesce.

What do you know, it apparently does help.

Touch the Interactivity! FEEL it!

Museums these days have a ton of interactivity - knobs to turn, touchscreens to touch, doors to open, costumes to try on, fish to measure, shells to fondle - children often get bored if they're not forced to do something other than stare at exhibits.

We now have a family pass to the newly-renovated Canadian Museum of Nature, also known to Kiernan alternately as "The Dinosaur Museum" or the "Castle Museum". Kiernan got to go there three times in the span of a week, two of those times with me. The second time we went, Kiernan dragged me over to a display in the Mammal Gallery, talking about how humans are mammals too.

Four doors sat closed on an inclined display, the first of which Kiernan flipped up, revealing a small cupboard containing a mass of hair. "Feel this daddy!" he said, so I did as I read the explanation to him how humans have hair and that's like the fur and hair of animals.

The far right panel had a picture of teeth on it, and I wondered what sort of display was beneath - actual teeth? But sadly it was just a mirror, and I explained "You're supposed to smile to show your teeth in the mirror because mammals have teeth." We both grinned at our reflections.

The door second from the left was Kiernan's next choice - A heat-sensing pad that changed colours when you touched it showed that humans are warm blooded. "Touch this daddy!" Kiernan demanded, and I did, though it wasn't as impressive as Hypercolour shirts were in the 90s.

The final panel, second from the right, read "Human babies breast feed when young". I thought "Okay, what's going to be under this panel?" until Kiernan flipped it up and I said "Ah, of course."

There lay a single felt breast nestled in its cubby beneath the door. "Look daddy! Touch this daddy!" Kiernan began poking at the boob.

"Yeah, that's okay, you feel it."

"DADDY. You have to touch it!" he demanded, getting louder.

"Okay okay okay." I prodded the breast.

"Touch it here!" he pinched at the bulbous areola sewn in the middle.

"Let's go around to the other side and see how hot you are on the the heat sensing camera"

"TOUCH IT DADDY!"

I reached out and quickly gave it quick pinch. "Yup, that's great, Kier."

"Does it feel cool?"

"For sure." I agreed, because these days tweaking muppet nipples is the epitome of cool.

Blogher: The aftermath

Tears, temper tantrums, and wailing was expected.

Lara surprisingly didn't do any of the three.

I drove over to Lara's parents, where she was driven to from the airport. She had situated herself in a back room so I could bring one twin in at a time. Juliette fell asleep on the way, and Quinn was happily chatting in his car seat, so when I was told to bring in the crankier twin I defaulted to Juliette.

When Lara returns to a room after being away four minutes, it's mass chaos, with screaming babies fighting for her attention. Four days away and she just got a huge grin and a cuddle. When Quinn was brought in soon after, he only seemed interested in giant hugs instead of nursing.

Kiernan was overtired and excited, a fabulous combination for misbehavior, but everyone managed to make it through dinner and home with all the swag (that she didn't need to leave behind in the hotel room).

Apparently next year Blogher is in San Diego, I can't wait... to leave the kids behind and tag along...

4:57pm: one more hour

scratch that, all they need is tantrums.

3:30pm: 2.5 hours to go!

The babies have obviously decided they don't need this whole "nursing" thing - an excellent substitute is big hugs for daddy.

2:20pm: Aren't you supposed to cry?

I opened the door to check on Juliette, and she was calmly standing there with a "What?" look on her face. Quinn is still a crankmonster.

2:00: 4 hours until happytime

Grumpiest boy ever is now awake... I'll have to check on the girl once he calms down... long nap for her..

12:38pm

My cellphone announced a text message... in the 5 minutes time it took to find the text, see that Lara was online and discuss her arrival tonight, Quinn passed out in his high chair covered in fruit bar.

11:40am

Both babies were tired by 11, despite having napped 5-20 minutes in the stroller on a walk (shocker!). Quinn was dumped in the exersaucer while Juliette was put down. It took 20 minutes, but she went down with minimal (ie a few minutes of screaming) fuss.

Quinn on the other hand, is horribly tired but refusing to go down, wailing upstairs as I take a break... fun fun fun...

6:20am

I ended up dumping Juliette into her crib to cry it out after an hour and a half to vry it out, but luckily (for me) Quinn slept through it all... you know they are both going to be up every hour on the hour tonight to make sure mommy's really home...

2:15am

If I hadn't started coughing...

If I hadn't gone downstairs for Buckley's...

If I hadn't stepped on a squeaky toy..

then maybe I wouldn't have a tantrum-ridden Juliette on my hands.

Good thing I've slept a lot in the past few days...

7:15am - Wrong side of the bed

Despite sleeping through the night, Juliette was in temper-tantrum mode , throwing herself around, tossing offered crackers, until finally banana and pancakes distracted her and she's calm.

I had weird waking dreams in which my brain said I couldn't go to sleep until I guided Lara through New York telepathically by removing giant glowing pillars which were floating in my mind. Luckily when there was only one giant white column left, I managed to convince myself she found her way and I could sleep.

8:30pm, divide and conquer!

Quinn is staying with Grammy and Grampa overnight, and Juliette is home with me. Let's see if Quinn sleeps through the night just to be difficult.

Off to bed, woo party animal.

5:05pm: Productive day!

At 10am I packed the babies into the car and drove back to my parents' house. Upon arrival, I passed them to my mother then went upstairs to pass out for 3 hours.

I woke up, played with Juliette a bit while Quinn went down for a nap, ate lunch, then decided to drive back home for a few hours to take care of a few of the easier things on my to-do list.

These few things turned out to be: stop at the store to buy more non-drowsy cold medication and gingerale, then head home to pass out in a sitting position on the couch, stumble upstairs to fall into bed for 30 minutes, wake up to go to the bathroom as I discovered I had a variant of whatever Kiernan had yesterday morning, fall back into bed, then listen to the annoying alarm buzzer for about 25 minutes because it was too far away to go turn off.

Now back to my parents' I go!

7:45am - better than the usual 2 hours earlier...

Both babies were unhappy to see me, despite releasing them from the horrible prisons that are their cribs, but bananas and waffles, plus plenty of water and milk through a straw, have made them a bit better.

I however feel like crap. Bad timing, summer cold.

Juliette cried it out until at least 4:20 - either that or I finally fell asleep.

3:56am

The cryibg slowed, faded, and I think I got at least 2 more minutes of sleep before the constant shrieking began.

TV is distracting her, but she won't be put down.

3:40am

back... Quinn transferred, Juliette did not. Waiting to see if she falls asleep, but may have to go to her before her screams wake Quinn.

2:30am

Quinn lay in my arms attempting to kick my chin, so down into the crib he went to cry it out.

This woke Juliette, who drank water and lay staring at me and listening to Quinn.

He's not going to sleep.


Let's go for a drive.

1:55am

Finally accepted water from me... only from a straw... attempting to bring him upstairs...

12:48am: yay

The sore throat I've had all day has turned into a head cold, and the peacefully sleeping boy-twin has turned into a screaming banshee who cannot be satisfied by water, rocking or singing.

TV is working.

8:19pm: The calm before the storm

The babies played well at grammies, and Juliette only managed to give Quinn one bloody fat lip. This was after I'd arrived and had dinner - the new fun game is crawling over daddy as he lies on the floor, and Juliette took it one step further, crawling over Quinn who was crawling over daddy, forcing him off and into a faceplant. Ice cubes were very tasty according to Quinn.

Kept them up way past their bedtime before heading home, causing them to fall into slumber as planned. The transferred with no fuss (and no weaning) and are currently still asleep in their cribs.

Next post: The chaotic storm of screaming babies...(?)

11:09am

Kiernan, feeling somewhat better, has been packed away to Gramma and Grandpapa's for three days.

The babies are with my parents until tonight.

What, you thought it was going to be crazy baby liveblogging all day? So sorry, I've got stuff to do. :)

Don't worry, the nighttime adventures may hold more drama...

8:20am: At least the babies are happy

Fishy crackers look like cheez whiz when they come back up.

A new reason to add to the list of why I don't like eating cheez whiz.

7:40am: Here we go

Despite being sick for the past two days and barely eating anything, Kiernan announced he needed to go to the bathroom five times in a half hour period. After three bites of oatmeal he declared he was full and lay down on a pillow on the floor.

It was obvious what was coming, so I wasn't too shocked when the three bites back back up all over the floor.

6:45am: I suppose technically this is sleeping in.

I saw Lara to the door at 4am, after Quinn decided to wake up. He nursed, so perhaps this meant he would sleep in?

Kiernan, who even at 3 takes after his mother in the "let me sleep one more more minute" department, wandered into our room to announce it was time to get up at quarter to seven.

... woo...

In 12 hours, Lara will be boarding a plane to New York to attend Blogher.

At least at that time I will be awakened by one or more yelling babies. I will stumble downstairs to make coffee, turn on the computer, and begin...

The left-alone-for-three-days-with-unweaned-babies liveblog!

yayyyy...

Blessed be Rumina!

At 13 months old, both twins are still nursing.

Kiernan weaned himself at 11 months, and these extra two months obviously makes a difference.

For example, Juliette woke in the night, yelling and fussing. I stumbled in, grabbed her and brought her back to our room to lie in bed with us and feed. She was still so upset, really wanting to nurse but preventing herself by throwing a mini-tantrum.

Sleepily Lara said "Juliette! If you latch on there's fruit salad!"

It truly is neat how their mother's body will adapt to the needs of the babies.

Yawn

The other night, after Quinn's screaming woke Juliette up, a novel thing happened: Juliette allowed me to rock her back to sleep despite my non-mommy status.

She lay there quietly staring at me, then she yawned.

This of course triggered me into yawning. She obviously thought this amusing, as she immediately stretched her mouth wide, tongue protruding.

I figured she was attempting a fake yawn, which of course got me thinking about yawning, which made me yawn.

She pointed at my mouth, smiled, then opened her mouth wide again, causing me to yawn.

Only 11 months old and she's already manipulating daddy.

---

For more blog goodness, I've written a guest blog post, The secrets to successfully clipping babies’ nails, for Kids in the Capital... I'm not sure why I was invited to write for them; I think one of the editors has a scary stalker-like crush on me.

Bedtime stalling, part eleventy seven

"I don't want to go to bed."
"Well, it's time for bed."
"I'm afraid of monsters that are real!"
"Well that's good! Since you know they aren't real, that means you aren't afraid."
"Um... I'm afraid of the bad guys."
"There aren't any bad guys in our house."
"I'm afraid of the bad guys from grammie's house!"
"There are bad guys there?"
"The bad guys are in the sky... and they fly in and out."
"I don't think so."
"Um. Maybe..... one... two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen years ago they were at grammie's house."
"I'm sure they're long gone by now then."

Child, those are not synonyms.

Occasionally Kiernan will announce, in a voice filled with innocent awe, that something is beauuutiful.

"That full moon is beautiful!"
"I coloured a beauuuutful flower!"
"Juliette's pyjama bottoms are beauuuuuuutiful!"

Today Lara explained to me that he had announced that things aren't beautiful, they are in fact "cool". I blame the douche-canoe older boys at daycare for this.

"Kiernan, don't you think mommy looks beautiful?"
"No, she looks cool."
"But really, she's beautiful."
"Daddy, I don't say beautiful, I say cool."
"Did someone at daycare tell you not to say beautiful?"
"Yes."
"Who told you to say cool?"
Kiernan leaned in close and whispered, "It's a secret."

Later on the drive home, the discussion resumed.
"You're allowed to say beautiful, you know. You don't have to listen to other boys who tell you not to say it."
"Okay."
"So now you can tell mommy she's beautiful."
"No, she's cool!"
"Okay, yes, alright. Mommy is cool AND beautiful."
"No! She's cool!"
"She's both."
"Daddy, are you cool?"
I sighed. "Okay, how about this. You can say boys are cool, and you can say girls are beautiful."
"Okay. Can we listen to your songs?"
"Which CD do you want, Magneta Lane or theStart?"
"I want a cool CD."
"Both are cool."
"I want Magneta Lane. Turn it LOUD."
Halfway through the first song he yelled "Daddy!"
I turned the volume down. "Yes?"
"Is this your cool music?"
"Yes it is!"
"Then why are there girls singing?"

Orange you glad...

"I have a joke."
"Okay, what's your joke?"
"What did the popcorn eat for lunch?"
"I don't know, what did the popcorn eat?"
"Popcorn!"
"The popcorn ate popcorn?"
"Yes, the popcorn eats popcorn with no eyes and no mouths and no hands."
"Cannibalistic popcorn then."
"And the popcorn eating has eyes and a big mouth eating the popcorn."
"So it's a visual joke, then."
"Yup."
"Good one."
"I have other jokes."
"Oh yeah, like what?"
"Um, what did the rice eat for lunch?"
"Popcorn?"
"No! Other rice, with no hands and no eyes and no mouths and no hair."
"The rice who is eating has hair?"
"Yup. And eyes and a mouth to eat the other rice."
"Well, that's good, hairy rice wouldn't taste good."
"Yup... Um... What did the juice eat for lunch?"
"I don't know, what did the juice eat for lunch?"
"Chairs."
"Chairs?"
"Yup."

Bathtime.

"My hands are all pruny!"

"Yup! You had a nice long bath."

"Next time I have a bath, I need finger boots."

Open Letter to Apple

Dear Apple,

Your iPod Touch is so simple, even a child could use it.

My 3-year old, who has not yet learned to read, can hit the power button, slide his finger across the screen, intuitively dragging the arrow button and unlocking the device.

He can then flick left to right through pages of my apps. He can then push and hold his finger on the screen just a little too long, causing all the icons to vibrate, which then allows him to drag them this way and that, rearranging them as he pleases in his attempts to click into a game.

His little fingers are the perfect size to hit the Xs which appear on each icon in this mode, and then apparently to tap to agree to the deletion of the app selected.

The row of five stars then shown to him was not especially interesting to him, as he only gave 2 stars to Doodle Jump, a game which I only recently realized was missing.

Repetition

Last night at dinner, Kiernan was asking for translations of words into French. Then he suddenly switched from single words to the following phrase:

"How do you say 'I'm all done my potatoes'?"
"Je suis finis mes patates" I replied.
"Shuh fees patates?"
"Je suis finis mes patates"
"Je shee fee patates!"
"Je suis finis mes patates" I said slowly.
"Shuh shees feemay patates Mommy!" he called into the other room.
After about two more attempts I gave up trying to push the enunciation.

Later in the car, he calls from the back "Why did she just say 'take advantage of our low sale prices', daddy?"
"Okay, how come you can repeat something you hear on the radio - with three-syllable words in it no less - instantly after hearing it, but not a French sentence repeated to you 17 times?" As I asked this I noticed the next radio commercial beginning and switched the station before the subject of the ad was repeated for the fourth time in a row.

Kiernan, of course, immediately asked "Sex-a-palooza?"
"What's that, I didn't hear you?" I feigned ignorance.
"What's Sappapalooza?"
"Say again?"
"Sappa loooza!"
"Oh! I don't know what that is."

17th month of pregnancy according to my blog...

Since my wife changed her blog header to include the twins, I suppose have no excuses anymore...

Blogger tournament on Pokerstars!

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker! The WBCOOP is a free online Poker tournament open to all Bloggers, so register on WBCOOP to play.

Registration code: 701304

That's a good question!

Before the holidays, there was a led-encrusted wreath hanging on a garage in the neighbourhood. It was hung from two smaller similarly-decorated wreaths, forming a V. Kiernan's reaction when seeing it: "Daddy daddy look! Mickey Mouse Christmas lights!"

Fast-forward to the other night, driving him home from daycare.

"Daddy, where is the Mickey Mouse lights?"
"I'm not sure, ev-"
"NO DADDY! You have to say 'That's a good question!'"
"Um. Why?"
"DADDY! You have to say it!"
"That's a good question!"
A pause.
"You have to say it now daddy."
"I did!"
"NO! You have to say where the Mickey Mouse lights are!"
"Oh. Everyone's taking their lights down because it's after christmas!"
"But why?"
"You only need christmas lights up for christmas, and now that it's over, you don't need them."
"NO! You need to say 'That's a good question!'"
"That's a good question. Christmas is over. No more lights."
"Okay."

The drive continued for almost a minute as I waited for the inevitable, preparing the proper response...

"Daddy?"
"Yes, Kiernan."
"NO DADDYYYYY! Say 'That's a good question!'"
"Dude. That isn't even a question." I said patiently, "That's a demand for my attention. And if this sort of request continues, I can tell it's going to get old REAL quick."
"Why?"
(deep breath) "That's a good question."