Bedtime stalling, part eleventy seven

"I don't want to go to bed."
"Well, it's time for bed."
"I'm afraid of monsters that are real!"
"Well that's good! Since you know they aren't real, that means you aren't afraid."
"Um... I'm afraid of the bad guys."
"There aren't any bad guys in our house."
"I'm afraid of the bad guys from grammie's house!"
"There are bad guys there?"
"The bad guys are in the sky... and they fly in and out."
"I don't think so."
"Um. Maybe..... one... two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen years ago they were at grammie's house."
"I'm sure they're long gone by now then."

Child, those are not synonyms.

Occasionally Kiernan will announce, in a voice filled with innocent awe, that something is beauuutiful.

"That full moon is beautiful!"
"I coloured a beauuuutful flower!"
"Juliette's pyjama bottoms are beauuuuuuutiful!"

Today Lara explained to me that he had announced that things aren't beautiful, they are in fact "cool". I blame the douche-canoe older boys at daycare for this.

"Kiernan, don't you think mommy looks beautiful?"
"No, she looks cool."
"But really, she's beautiful."
"Daddy, I don't say beautiful, I say cool."
"Did someone at daycare tell you not to say beautiful?"
"Yes."
"Who told you to say cool?"
Kiernan leaned in close and whispered, "It's a secret."

Later on the drive home, the discussion resumed.
"You're allowed to say beautiful, you know. You don't have to listen to other boys who tell you not to say it."
"Okay."
"So now you can tell mommy she's beautiful."
"No, she's cool!"
"Okay, yes, alright. Mommy is cool AND beautiful."
"No! She's cool!"
"She's both."
"Daddy, are you cool?"
I sighed. "Okay, how about this. You can say boys are cool, and you can say girls are beautiful."
"Okay. Can we listen to your songs?"
"Which CD do you want, Magneta Lane or theStart?"
"I want a cool CD."
"Both are cool."
"I want Magneta Lane. Turn it LOUD."
Halfway through the first song he yelled "Daddy!"
I turned the volume down. "Yes?"
"Is this your cool music?"
"Yes it is!"
"Then why are there girls singing?"

Orange you glad...

"I have a joke."
"Okay, what's your joke?"
"What did the popcorn eat for lunch?"
"I don't know, what did the popcorn eat?"
"Popcorn!"
"The popcorn ate popcorn?"
"Yes, the popcorn eats popcorn with no eyes and no mouths and no hands."
"Cannibalistic popcorn then."
"And the popcorn eating has eyes and a big mouth eating the popcorn."
"So it's a visual joke, then."
"Yup."
"Good one."
"I have other jokes."
"Oh yeah, like what?"
"Um, what did the rice eat for lunch?"
"Popcorn?"
"No! Other rice, with no hands and no eyes and no mouths and no hair."
"The rice who is eating has hair?"
"Yup. And eyes and a mouth to eat the other rice."
"Well, that's good, hairy rice wouldn't taste good."
"Yup... Um... What did the juice eat for lunch?"
"I don't know, what did the juice eat for lunch?"
"Chairs."
"Chairs?"
"Yup."

Bathtime.

"My hands are all pruny!"

"Yup! You had a nice long bath."

"Next time I have a bath, I need finger boots."

Open Letter to Apple

Dear Apple,

Your iPod Touch is so simple, even a child could use it.

My 3-year old, who has not yet learned to read, can hit the power button, slide his finger across the screen, intuitively dragging the arrow button and unlocking the device.

He can then flick left to right through pages of my apps. He can then push and hold his finger on the screen just a little too long, causing all the icons to vibrate, which then allows him to drag them this way and that, rearranging them as he pleases in his attempts to click into a game.

His little fingers are the perfect size to hit the Xs which appear on each icon in this mode, and then apparently to tap to agree to the deletion of the app selected.

The row of five stars then shown to him was not especially interesting to him, as he only gave 2 stars to Doodle Jump, a game which I only recently realized was missing.

Repetition

Last night at dinner, Kiernan was asking for translations of words into French. Then he suddenly switched from single words to the following phrase:

"How do you say 'I'm all done my potatoes'?"
"Je suis finis mes patates" I replied.
"Shuh fees patates?"
"Je suis finis mes patates"
"Je shee fee patates!"
"Je suis finis mes patates" I said slowly.
"Shuh shees feemay patates Mommy!" he called into the other room.
After about two more attempts I gave up trying to push the enunciation.

Later in the car, he calls from the back "Why did she just say 'take advantage of our low sale prices', daddy?"
"Okay, how come you can repeat something you hear on the radio - with three-syllable words in it no less - instantly after hearing it, but not a French sentence repeated to you 17 times?" As I asked this I noticed the next radio commercial beginning and switched the station before the subject of the ad was repeated for the fourth time in a row.

Kiernan, of course, immediately asked "Sex-a-palooza?"
"What's that, I didn't hear you?" I feigned ignorance.
"What's Sappapalooza?"
"Say again?"
"Sappa loooza!"
"Oh! I don't know what that is."

17th month of pregnancy according to my blog...

Since my wife changed her blog header to include the twins, I suppose have no excuses anymore...