Bedtime stalling, part eleventy seven

"I don't want to go to bed."
"Well, it's time for bed."
"I'm afraid of monsters that are real!"
"Well that's good! Since you know they aren't real, that means you aren't afraid."
"Um... I'm afraid of the bad guys."
"There aren't any bad guys in our house."
"I'm afraid of the bad guys from grammie's house!"
"There are bad guys there?"
"The bad guys are in the sky... and they fly in and out."
"I don't think so."
"Um. Maybe..... one... two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen years ago they were at grammie's house."
"I'm sure they're long gone by now then."

Child, those are not synonyms.

Occasionally Kiernan will announce, in a voice filled with innocent awe, that something is beauuutiful.

"That full moon is beautiful!"
"I coloured a beauuuutful flower!"
"Juliette's pyjama bottoms are beauuuuuuutiful!"

Today Lara explained to me that he had announced that things aren't beautiful, they are in fact "cool". I blame the douche-canoe older boys at daycare for this.

"Kiernan, don't you think mommy looks beautiful?"
"No, she looks cool."
"But really, she's beautiful."
"Daddy, I don't say beautiful, I say cool."
"Did someone at daycare tell you not to say beautiful?"
"Yes."
"Who told you to say cool?"
Kiernan leaned in close and whispered, "It's a secret."

Later on the drive home, the discussion resumed.
"You're allowed to say beautiful, you know. You don't have to listen to other boys who tell you not to say it."
"Okay."
"So now you can tell mommy she's beautiful."
"No, she's cool!"
"Okay, yes, alright. Mommy is cool AND beautiful."
"No! She's cool!"
"She's both."
"Daddy, are you cool?"
I sighed. "Okay, how about this. You can say boys are cool, and you can say girls are beautiful."
"Okay. Can we listen to your songs?"
"Which CD do you want, Magneta Lane or theStart?"
"I want a cool CD."
"Both are cool."
"I want Magneta Lane. Turn it LOUD."
Halfway through the first song he yelled "Daddy!"
I turned the volume down. "Yes?"
"Is this your cool music?"
"Yes it is!"
"Then why are there girls singing?"

Orange you glad...

"I have a joke."
"Okay, what's your joke?"
"What did the popcorn eat for lunch?"
"I don't know, what did the popcorn eat?"
"Popcorn!"
"The popcorn ate popcorn?"
"Yes, the popcorn eats popcorn with no eyes and no mouths and no hands."
"Cannibalistic popcorn then."
"And the popcorn eating has eyes and a big mouth eating the popcorn."
"So it's a visual joke, then."
"Yup."
"Good one."
"I have other jokes."
"Oh yeah, like what?"
"Um, what did the rice eat for lunch?"
"Popcorn?"
"No! Other rice, with no hands and no eyes and no mouths and no hair."
"The rice who is eating has hair?"
"Yup. And eyes and a mouth to eat the other rice."
"Well, that's good, hairy rice wouldn't taste good."
"Yup... Um... What did the juice eat for lunch?"
"I don't know, what did the juice eat for lunch?"
"Chairs."
"Chairs?"
"Yup."

Bathtime.

"My hands are all pruny!"

"Yup! You had a nice long bath."

"Next time I have a bath, I need finger boots."